


After the Exorcism

by conniptionns



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fear exploration, M/M, Past Abuse, light implications of his past abuse, namely Andrew thinking of his fears himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-10-10 00:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10425150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conniptionns/pseuds/conniptionns
Summary: Andrew explores his fears and comes to the realization that he fears Neil and the unknown aspects of everything that he represents.





	1. Chapter 1

Andrew Minyard was afraid.

It wasn’t that fear was new to him. Actually, at this point, fear was more like second nature. A gut reaction to situations that didn’t require it. Andrew knew fear like the back of his hand. The worst of his fears stuck around and echoed throughout his head like the cloying scent of sweat and cheap cologne. He could be alone and the scent would catch his attention and send his heart skittering into overdrive. It was partly why he began smoking. To drive out the scent that his nightmares carried.

The memory of his fear was chained to him forever by heavy iron manacles. Impossible to forget but it was possible to build up tolerance, and your own slight form of resistance. If fear was his chains, his strength was the first callus he ever earned lifting weights. The scent from his nightmares no longer sent him into a freezing panic, but it did make him grit his teeth until his jaw popped and his fingers reach desperately for knives. Andrew might be saddled with his chains for now, but when the jailers came, Andrew was going to fuck them up. He used his fear as a whetstone to hone himself into a weapon.

So, while Andrew was accustomed to his fear, it was rare for it to present itself so openly. Triggers was the word Betsy had used. Horseshit was the word Andrew reached for as his fear enveloped his heart in a crushing fist. Fear had nimble fingers that insinuated themselves deep in his chest. Andrew’s fear was the heart-stopping moment before you realized where you were and who you were.

~~Andrew Doe.~~

~~Andrew Gibbons.~~

~~Andrew Spear.~~

Andrew _Minyard._

Therapists over the years insisted to Andrew that he could chose who he was and what that meant to him. He brushed it off as the bullshit any and all therapists tried to pull. They all insisted that self-care was of the utmost importance, yet put words in his mouth and didn’t let him speak.

They didn’t let him speak.

Andrew Doe was frail limbs and sunken eyes and he only ever spoke at a whisper. Andrew Gibbons never technically existed. He was a dream that was created in the dark recesses of his mind. He was a hope. Andrew Gibbons was a hungry mouth that was unfortunately unable to be fed. He was Andrew Doe again. When the tantalizing offer of Andrew Spear presented itself, Andrew was terrified to hope. The dream was so close, but was still too far, _too far._ Juvie was where Andrew decided that all he needed to be was Andrew. Nothing else mattered because nothing else stayed. When Minyard was thrust at him it came wildly and too fast for his mind to keep up. Suddenly, a twin brother and a cousin were thrust into his hands. Minyard came out of his mouth bulky and awkward, but when Andrew, who was only Andrew, found people who wanted him he decided he was done.

He was done casting off names. He was done trading up shit families that could never really want him. It was his turn to take, to take, _to take._

The family that wanted Andrew suffered in the same ways that Andrew Doe, Andrew Gibbons, and Andrew Spear had suffered. Not in precisely the same way, but in the sense that fear had them in a stranglehold and wouldn’t let go. Andrew knew what it meant to be that. Andrew, who was only Andrew, decided that Andrew Minyard meant being a weapon born from fear. A weapon to protect his family by whatever means necessary.

Tilda was a hindrance to fully protecting Aaron, a brother who could not decide if he wanted Andrew or not. Those nameless men in the alley were a nuisance that got in between Andrew and Nicky, a cousin who was starved of love but never ran out of love to give. Matt could have been a threat, but that threat was contained and Andrew was content to ignore his existence. Luther would be dealt with in a manner which Andrew thought acceptable, and Riko would die if he ever got close enough to breathe the same air as Kevin. None of this was a concern to Andrew, it was just matters which required being dealt with.

No, Andrew, who was now Andrew Minyard, wasn’t afraid for his family. Andrew Minyard was afraid for himself.

Andrew Minyard was standing toe-to-toe, chest-to-chest, with a walking lie, staring into flat blue eyes, ringed in green. There was a freckle in the left eye, something that at least couldn’t be hidden by color contacts—some truth to a lie. Andrew stood there, gripping Neil Josten’s jaw, and that fear that was so familiar ran a sinuous trail down his spine.

People were comically easy to unravel and piece back together. It was absolutely no trouble to learn the motives and drives that every individual person was working with. As much as people like to claim to be unique, humanity is remarkably similar. Each person has their own intricacies, of course, but people are goal oriented and are trained by society to achieve those goals in certain ways. Andrew was ridiculously adept at understanding people, yet he stood there staring at a man who looked stricken and naked without color contacts without a concrete idea in mine. Oh sure, he had theories, but the more he got to know Neil Josten, the more implausible they all seemed.

Fear of the unknown was a heady cocktail. It didn’t have a logical solution the same way that other fears did. Fear of heights? Stay on the ground. Fear of snakes? Avoid cool, damp places where they might be hiding. Fear of big dogs? Learn what you can about dogs and see if you can master it, and if not, avoid big dogs. Fear of the unknown was different because you never really knew what it was you were afraid of. You could ask questions and attempt to learn, but you never knew if you found the piece that made you afraid. You could soul-search and dig really deep to find the answers within yourself, Bee was big on self-reflection, but you didn’t necessarily always find the answers you were seeking.

How do you deal with fear when you manipulate that fear to fortify your strengths? You stand on the ledge because you’re afraid of heights. Or take a path less traveled in the hopes that you come across a snake. You go out of your way to cross paths with big dogs, because you use your fears to make you feel, to make you stronger.

Fear of the unknown is a tricky thing to chase. You have to eliminate immediate threats. Don’t go too close to the edge, wear boots and thick pants, and know the ways to protect yourself from an attack. But the unknown doesn’t have a set of rules for you to follow to skirt the edge of danger.

The problem with the unknown, is that it begs to be known. It has an allure that beckons you closer and you follow, unassuming.

Standing there, looking at Neil’s eyes and seeing them for what they really were, Andrew felt that tantalizing taunt. The tease that the unknowable was willing to be known, but he would have to jump in.

Andrew rocked back on his heels. He had decided. Neil was coming to Columbia with him. It was time for the unknown to become known.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: why is Andrew afraid of heights

Andrew Minyard was afraid of heights.

It's a common fear that seems to stick to wary people like glue. What happens when you're up high and you fall? There's no controlling a fall, only blindly accepting the truth of that fall. Andrew had been four years old the first time he accepted that his fate was to fall.

He had been in the foster system since the day he was born, but that flicker of a child's hope had yet to be choked out of him. His social worker was always busy busy busy, but when she took Andrew to and from homes, she always took him out for ice cream. Andrew remembered the day he picked her up, helped him pack his black trash bag full of his hodgepodge of worldly possessions and took him to Tasty Freeze for an ice cream cone. That was the day that she first told him he was done being Andrew Doe. He was going to be the little brother to three girls and his new name would be Andrew Gibbons. Holly and Jack were his new mom and dad, and when Andrew met them for the first time, he remembered being hugged tighter than he ever had been before.

Andrew was flying and he never wanted to come down. His sisters were Helen, Haley, and Jackie. They liked to treat him like he was a living doll, but Andrew didn't mind, he was small for his age anyway and it was better than the boys who had tried to shove him into holes where dogs went to the bathroom where he was before. He wasn't Andrew Doe anymore and he never had to think about it again. He learned to write his name and he never had to learn to write out Doe, only Gibbons. It was hard to remember which way the b's went, but for once in his life, the worst of Andrew's problems wasn't really a problem at all.

Three weeks before his fifth birthday, his first birthday with his new family—the day they were going to officially adopt him into the family and make him a Gibbons, the family got some news that would change all of their lives. Holly, who was eight months pregnant, was actually expecting twins. Andrew was excited to be an older brother, he never thought that this was something that he would get to keep, a family. The family was in a flurry with preparations for the baby. Holly was going to have them early and they were going to induce her two weeks before Andrew's birthday. She promised Andrew that this wouldn't overshadow his day, but Andrew wasn't worried, he was finally at peace, soaring far above himself. Andrew had never felt like there was something he had that he could lord over those who hadn't loved him in the past, but he finally did and it was well worth the wait. If Andrew were older, he would have been more wise to the ways of the world. After all, pride comes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before the fall.

It happened so fast that Andrew was in the backseat of his social worker's car before he was able to process what had happened. There were complications in Holly's labor. She died giving birth to the babies, and Jack was left with six hungry mouths to feed alone. It sent him into a depressive spiral and he finally came out of the slump on Andrew's fifth birthday. It was Andrew's fault, he had said. Andrew had heard him yelling downstairs before he pounded up the stairs and struck the small boy across the face, sending him sprawling. Andrew had ran then, and grabbed the phone before hiding behind the couch. Jack was still yelling upstairs when Andrew shakily dialed Ms. Amy's number. He tearily told her that she needed to come get him, Jack screaming in the background.

Andrew was leaning against the window in her car when he decided that heights weren't for him. If you stayed on the ground, you didn't have as far to fall. Over time, that manifested in a fear of high places, not just blind hope that sent you flying for the stars. Being loved by a family that was his own was a pipe dream, not a reality.


End file.
